I want to tell you a story. It's a story about friends.
When I hear someone say that you can't be good friends
with somebody you've never met, It makes me want to scream!

Long ago... over a year and a half..
I got an email from someone about my abuse site.
His name was 'Cheeseburger' (Stephen)
He said he was on my site and read about the
abuse I recieved. He talked about strange things,
told me he knew what I was still feeling and
he knew I would be ok.

I answered him back.. asking how he 'knew' so much?
He replied, "Why? Because I'm you Guardian Angel."
I laughed.. and forgot about it.

Off and on he would send a short email.. asking how I was.
Still insisting he was my Guardian. He was an Angel without
wings he said. He hadn't yet received them. With an idea
in mind, I asked if he had a picture of himself online.
He sent me one.. him standing in front of an aircraft
flown by the Blue Angels. I put it into my graphics program
and cut him out of it.. and put angel wings on him.
I sent it back.. He said he laughed so much.. and got a tear.

Over time we talked a bit in email. A couple of times in ICQ.
He knew things he had no way of knowing. One time, my daughter
was sitting here with me watchin him send messages... she kept
saying he was weird. She had seen him say he was my Guardian Angel.
He told me to tell my daughter to quit rubbing it, that it wouldn't
go away. I looked at her and she was rubbing an old scar she
got when she was little. I had NEVER told anyone about that scar.
I had forgotten she even had it! It freaked her out! Smile. She
rubs it when she's stressed.

Stephen always knew when something wasn't right it seemed. He sent
little messages like, "Chin up girl!" or "It's ok Kat. Nothing
can hurt you!" He sent these things out of the blue.. without
even talking to me. Always told me he knew I didn't believe
he was my Angel. Said, "You'll understand sooner than you think."

I thought he was a little strange, a little flaky.. but a good
guy. He was always a gentleman. Always concerned about others.
He talked alot about his kids.. and about God. About his place here
and Gods plans for him. He talked a lot about the Blue Angels!
He loved to watch them and seemed to know all about their aircrafts
and even the schedules of their shows. He also loved the song,
'Cheeseburger In Paradise.' He teased me about looking on
my shoulder for my Guardian Angel.. when I was in need.
Stephen never ended a conversation or an email without saying,

"Godspeed to you and yours."

The last 6 months, he was rarely on. Every few weeks he'd send
a message... "I'm still here Kat." "I got your emails.. your jokes..
you make me smile."
I would get so frustrated with him.. He wouldn't offer a reason
for not answering for so long.. just an apology. On March 8th,
I got an email saying, "I'm still here Kat. You know I love ya.
You've been a very good friend. Please don't be angry with me."

I sent an email back asking him what the hell was going on with him.
13 days later... today.. I got an answer. It wasn't from him.
It was from his Son. He said...

Kat,
If you do not know, then it is with a sad heart to
inform you that My father died March 8th, 2002
just a couple short weeks ago. I have taken it upon
myself to track down all his online friends to
inform them. He was 54. He died in his sleep from
apparent liver failure. If you haven't heard yet then
my sympathy goes out to you. -Chad


Needless to say, my heart just broke then and there.
Why didn't he TELL me?
I guess for one simple reason.. and that's because he didn't
want his friends to hurt before they had to. He didn't want to
waste his time talking about it. He knew, and he was at peace
with it. Steven was like that. He had all the time in the world
to listen - but he never burdened.

Why didn't I pick up on the clues? I have some guilty feelings
of not figuring it out. When I stop and think though... I wasn't
suppose to figure it out. I can see Stephen sitting on my shoulder,
laughing and saying, "Now you understand.." And I do.
I think Stephen finally got his wings...

Stephen, I will miss you. Godspeed to you ...

-Kat