A letter To My Parents

Dad, you're gone now. I have Memories of you. I remember how you use to take us to the river to catch sand crabs. How we use to all stand knee-deep in the water and one by one we would all fall because we were laughing so hard. We would come home and cook those crabs right up and you and I were the only ones who ate them, because the other kids didn't like them. I remember then how usually that same night you would call me down to the basement, and the lights were low and you would reach out from the dark as i went by and hit me in the face. I don't know why, maybe I ate too many crabs.

I remember when you would get in the mood to make pizzas Dad. You made them special, for all of us. Lots of mushrooms for me, no onions for Sis... and extra because you knew we all loved it cold for breakfast. I remember one nite eating too much pizza and getting a tummy ache in the middle of the night. I remember mom getting up and yelling for me to go to my room and you were told to never touch me again. I remember the next day, getting kicked in the back because you got in trouble.

I remember when I was 3...  the nurse at the hospital gave me a sucker.  It was red. You let me keep it because I didn't tell her how I got cut and needed stitches in my head.  I still have the scar Dad, but it's okay....it helps me to remember how good that red sucker really was.

I remember when you got your work schedule changed and you were gone from the time we got home from school until late at night. We had fun playing all day Dad, and mom made sure we were all sleeping when you got home at night. I remember on the weekends tho, when you would stand in the basement window and watch us kids at play in the backyard. We didn't know who you would call down next. I hoped it wasn't me but at the same time I hoped it was. I didn't like hearing my sister and brother crying. Did you know my sister went in my place sometimes to make sure I was ok?

I remember you called me 'Your special little girl' sometimes. And 'Special girls' got 'special' attention! Dad, I hated being 'special'!

Mom, do you know, I could see you in the upstairs window? I could hear you crying by the basement door? Mom, remember when I use to beg you to let me go to Grammas with you... to not leave me at home with dad? I remember you telling me , "No. This is MY time to get away from kids." I hope you enjoyed your time away Mom. I think you must have because you didn't seem to see the bruises and welts on us kids when you got home.

Mom, remember when my Sis turned 16 and you told Dad she got kissed? Remember how Dad got mad and punched her over and over with his fist? I told myself then Mom, I would never kiss a boy.

Dad, remember when you use to tell me to never tell anyone? You use to hold a hammer over my head when you said it. I wasn't a nail Dad. I stopped having nightmares about that when I was about 30.

Dad, I watched you die recently. I thought, it would help. I thought you would say you were sorry. You didn't. You pretended it never happened. You said we all lied. Well Dad, it DID  happen. And Dad? I'm afraid I won't be getting anymore red suckers.

Your Special Little Girl,
Kat