BS #2

By: Elizabeth Jeanne

7/17/1999

Enormalpillars were once just typical caterpillars that could have formed into orange and black Monarch Butterflies. But, they got into a chemical called the Enormalizer and suddenly, they grew to become over five feet long, and 8 inches in diameter. Scientist Inghood explained that there are plenty of Enormapillars, but the government keeps them in ther enorma-vault away from tax-payers' eyes.

Enormapillars breeded and suddenly northern Minnesota's trees have been falling down. They mean no harm however, they just aren't small enough for the clay ground they constantly dig through.

"We are concerned that these Enormapillars will surface and go on a rampage eating people named Enormapill Arbait. They could destroy all the Enormapill Arbait's out there and what would this country do without them?" claims Scientist Inghood.

One such case has happened recently. Little four year old Enormapill Arbait in Aurora, Minnesota claimed she saw a caterpillar. She shouted with delight and ran over to "pet" it. But, moments later, Little Enormapll Arbait was swallowed whole.

"I came outside to check on Enormapill and this giant caterpillar came from behind her. I heard her say 'big caterpillar' and run after it. Those were the last words I heard my little girl say," explained Mr. Arbait the night he was questioned about his daughter's tragedy.

This is my conclusion to this article. What are we to do with the Enormapillars? They are so cute, they draw attention to themselves and people fall in love with them. People, stop petting the Enormapillars before it's too late.

People age! There isn't anything wrong with that. But, there is one problem I have been noticing that just annoys me...expensive skin creams that people spend hundreds of dollars buying when they don't even work. I have invented the better of better ideas for the newest technology for skin care. Why spend a hundred dollars every month when you only need one thing...an iron.

What do you do with clothes when they get wrinkled? You iron them! There is a steam that irons give off called wrinkle solution. It really works. Why keep spreading creams that smell about as bad as they taste (um...not from experience or anything) when you can just iron your skin? It works! It's unbelievable!

Just turn an iron on to 6 (about 3/4 of the dial) and pour distilled water in the water compartment. This is why I mentioned taste...the water can be strawberry or raspberry flavoured so you can enjoy licking your hands! Next, lay flat on your back and hand the iron over to someone else. Bare your skin, exposing it to this hot iron. Next, have the person place the iron on your stomach and chest area and rotate it in circular movements until wrinkles are the last of your worries!

The Real Reason Men Can't Ask for Directions

Alright, we all know that men just don't seem to want to ask for directions in a car. When they're lost...they think asking for directions ruins their manhood. Well, I have found proof that it truly does. Asking for directions is definitely an easy way to ruin manhood. This is why:

There is a hormone in a man's body, located directly above their bellybutton, called Manhoodialosofagus. You cannot find this hormone in books or at school, because I am a genius and I just discovered it. Manhoodialosofagus controls the speed of a man's development and maturity. Without it, you are definitely a feminine human being, or a female. Females have a hormone above the bellybutton as well. But, this one is more difficult to lose.

Manhoodialosofagus is lost by doing anything a woman would do. You know...stuff that makes sense. If a man does chores, asks for directions, behaves in a well mannerly way, or even takes a bath more than once a week...they lose a cell in their Manhoodialosofagus. The cells are the same as brain cells. So as they gain a brain cell like woman, they lose a Manhoodialosofagus cell. That's why men don't ask for directions.

Now, about the female hormone...it's also located directly above the bellybutton. But, this one is called Selfrespectalosofagus. This hormone is only lost because of men's Manhoodialosofagus vulnerability. When a man does something manly, that women call horrible, like cheat or hurt a woman, then Manhoodialosofagus grows...and Selfrespectalosofagus shrinks.

Once Selfrespectalosofagus shrinks below 50%, that's when another hormone kicks in and starts what men call PMS. Woman call it PMS as well, but it stands differently in their lives. A man calls it PMS - Post Menstraul Syndrome. But, Woman call it PMS - Putting up with Men's Sh*t.

The reason it happens more than once a month is because men constanly lower Selfrespectalosofagus. Men: If you want a happy, non-PMSing woman, this is how you do it: