Santa came to Wildthing's house,
Twas late on Christmas Eve
I knew that he looked awful pissed,
and seemed like he was going to heave

I told the happy fellow,
as on his suit I gave a tug
“Don’t you be throwin’ up in here,
especially on my bear skinned rug

He said my name is Santa Claus
and I never do get drunk
Wildthing said, well ya had me fooled,
by the way you truly stunk

Wildthing stammered, “Ok old man,
what’s in the bag for me”
Santa Claus snapped back at Wildthing and said,
“You just wait and see"

He reached into his big red bag
and looked at me with a silly grin
He pulled out a Willy warmer for me,
made of very soft sheepskin

Wildthing said now Santa …
that is a real baaaD, baaaD joke
Ho, Ho, Ho he laughed,
well I am that jovial bloke

Wildthing looked at his Willy warmer and said, Santa, are you sniffing glue?
Santa smiled and said oh lookie here,
it’s got a baggage warmer built in too

Wildthing snarled, I am not amused
at what you gave me here
Santa spoke said it’s a joke,
would old Santa give old Wildthing the “BUM” steer

Wildthing screamed “DON’T YOU SAY
“BUM” TO ME; YOU QUEER”
Santa laughed, “What! is Wildthing a little nervous”
as he smile from ear to ear

Santa said now Wildthing relax,
this Santa Claus isn’t queer
What would I need your old BUM for;
I have my own reindeer

Wildthing smiled, you're one sick puppy Santa,
to this I will admit
You had me sweating bullets here
and gave me heart a fit

Santa laughed, HO, HO, HO,
now Wildthing come over here
I have something to tell you,
let me whisper in your ear

I meandered over to him and he whispered,
“Santa has a plan”
 I know you were Wildthing Santa,
so would you please give me a hand?

Wildthing said, “I’m very honored,
and I don’t know what to say”
“Ok I’ll help you… but if you get frisky with me,
I’ll throw you off the sleigh”.

So off they went into the night,
to delivery presents to all the girls and boys
 He had something special for everyone,
including naughty girlie vibrating toys

Finally the presents were all delivered,
without the help of any elf
My message to you Santa Claus is …
next year do this by yourself.