Subject: Oil Change

Oil Change Instructions for Women:

1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches
3000 miles since the last oil change.

2. Drink a cup of coffee.

3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with
a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent: Oil Change-$20.00 Coffee-$1.00 Total-$21.00

********************************************

Oil Change Instructions for Men: 

1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a
case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
Write a check for $50.00.

2. Stop by 7-11 and buy a case of beer, write a
check for $20.00, drive home.

3. Open a beer and drink it.

4. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
Jack car up.

6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7. Place drain pan under engine.

8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9. Give up and use crescent wrench. Unscrew drain plug.

10. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil, splash hot oil
on you in process. Cuss. 

%#!*

11. Crawl out from under car to wipe oil off of face and arms.
Throw kitty litter on spilled oil. 

12. Have another beer while watching oil drain. 

13. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench. 

14. Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver
through oil filter and twist off. 

15. Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing
oil everywhere from holes.

16. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid
environmental penalties. Drink a beer. 

17. Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to
finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new
garage door opener. 

18. Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change."
Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil
in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to recycle.

19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

20. Beer? No, drank it all yesterday. 

21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer. 

22. Install new oil filter, making sure to apply a thin coat
of oil to gasket surface.

23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine. 

24. Remember drain plug from step 11. 

25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. 

26. Remember that used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard,
along with the drain plug. 

27. Drink beer. 

28. Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily
dirt into hole. Steal sand from kid's sandbox to cleverly cover oily
patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties.

29. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas. 

30. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
Throw kitty litter on oil spill. Drink beer. 

31. Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with
oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench
tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame. 

32. Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31. 

33. Begin cussing fit. 

$!!@##&%%

34. Throw stupid crescent wrench. 

35. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss
December (1982) in the left boob. 

36. Beer. 

37. Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as
required to stop blood flow. 

38. Beer. More Beer.

39. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil. 

40. Beer. 

41. Lower car from jack stands. 

42. Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil. 

43. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil
spilled during steps 23-43. 

44. Beer. 

45. Test drive car. 

46. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence. 

47. Car gets impounded. 

48. Call loving wife, make bail. 

49. 12 hours later, get car from impound yard. 

Money spent: Parts-$50.00, DUI-$2500.00, Impound fee-$75.00,
Bail- $1500.00, Beer-$40.00.

Total--$4165.00 But you know the job was done right.